OK, I admit that I am on a dating website. Although family members object, and even my therapist tells me to be careful, I participate anyway. I sort of like the idea of a little unknown territory into which I venture, and even a whiff of danger invigorates me. I think I want to find a man, but sometimes I conclude that the slim odds of discovering Mr. Right online are part of the attraction. I feel like I can play without skinning my knee.
I began corresponding with a guy recently, and he seemed to meet my desires. Young-he was sixteen years my junior, cute, local with a Master’s Degree. What could be bad I told myself? We traded messages on the website and progressed to personal emails.
He was supremely attentive, “talking” to me many times each day, and I responded gladly. We are both adults and neither one of us will be nominated to the Supreme court, so our chats migrated into the erotic realm. It is so easy to be brave online and tell strangers secrets we might never reveal even to close friends.
We shared fantasies and unmet needs like we were conversing about the weather. No embarrassment entered our conversations, and the fact that we had yet to meet only heightened the mystery and desire.
I gave him my phone number and he promised to call today-9/18/18. I was looking forward to hearing his voice and making plans to meet. Too excited to sleep, I passed the dark hours of the night with heightened imaginings of what he would sound like and look like in person.
When morning arrived around 6:45 AM, I eagerly jumped out of bed and headed for my computer, awaiting his early greetings which usually started my days. Happily, I saw two messages from him listed in my emails, along with ads from J Jill and LL Bean. The clothes inside their missives didn’t tempt me as much as opening my secret lover’s words.
What a shock-he finally admitted that he was married and had no intention of changing his status. He said he was tearing up my phone number. Meek apologies followed, but I didn’t care. A part of was relieved that the fantasy escaped being a reality.
I erased all his old emails and messages on the web site, ate some chocolate and felt fine. Maybe what I am seeking is not a real man, but a make-believe mate.